Lost in Despair
by Stephycats7785
Summary: During the last battle with the Volturi, Seth is killed. Jacob takes it upon himself to look past his own pain caused by the pain of losing the younger shifter and focus on making sure he did not lose another. Drabble
1. Chapter 1

Title: Lost in Despair  
>Rating: T<br>Pairing: Leah Clearwater/Jacob Black  
>Summary: During the last battle with the Volturi, Seth is killed. Jacob takes it upon himself to look past his own pain caused by the pain of losing the younger shifter and focus on making sure he did not lose another. Drabble<br>Disclaimer: I do not own anyone or anything from Twilight!  
>AN: For the purpose of this story I am saying Jacob never imprinted on Nessie and Embry did instead. This is just a one-shot unless I get people who want a full blown story.<p>

It had been a little over a month since the final battle with the Volturi occurred and for the most part things had gone back to normal, but in other ways life would never be the same. Leah Clearwater was one of the few that would never be able to go back to the way things had been and considering how crappy her life had been before, it said a lot that she wished to go back to those days. The worst part was knowing her mother hated her for not being the child who had died. At the funeral of her baby brother, the she-wolf had been physically hurt by her own mother when sue slapped her and broke her hand in the process and then verbally assaulted when what she really needed was for her mother to comfort her and tell Leah it wasn't her fault and there was nothing she could have done to stop Felix from snapping his neck when he had tried to be the hero and stop Caius from killing Irina.

Jake had been the one to confront Sue on how horrible she was treating Leah. He had been the one who followed her, after the casket was lowered in to the ground, to a nearby stream and stood there as she hit him over and over with her fists before bursting in to tears and allowing him to hold her in his arms as they fell to the ground together and he spent the night with Leah in his arms as he rocked her gently while she slept fitfully. It was the alpha who was there for her when she needed someone. Even though he was in pain from losing a pack brother he chose to look past that pain in order to help the only daughter of Harry Clearwater. By being there for Leah, Jacob knew deep down it would help him deal with his pain and guilt over the death of Seth, the one he had not been able to save because he had been much too busy making sure Bella was alright even though she was a newborn vampire and had the ability of creating a mental shield.

There were days when the young alpha thought his friend may be doing better and finally dealing with the death of Seth, but then something would happen and any progress she had made would fly out the window leaving them both at square one. Still, Jacob wasn't planning to give up anytime soon or even at all for that matter. He would keep pushing past her walls, breaking them down one by one no matter how many she put up or how strong they were. This was just something he needed to do for himself, Leah, and in the memory of Seth Clearwater. He wasn't doing this because he felt he had to, but rather because he wanted to.

"Why do you even care?" Leah snapped out one day when she happened to be in a particularly bad mood because the Cullen family had gotten permission to come on to La Push land to bring Leah and Sue a gift basket and an offer to help them with anything they may need including the cost of the funeral, as if it would bring Seth back. "I get you were friends with my brother, but he's dead now so I don't get why you're sticking around. There is nothing here for you now so just get the hell out of my life and stay away."

"I can't do that Leah." He responded quickly knowing she wouldn't want to hear what he had to say next. "Seth wouldn't want you to push everyone away. If he were still here you know as well as I do that he would-"

Jake was cut off mid sentence as the she-wolf jumped up from her position of sitting on the couch so she was almost nose to nose with Jacob Black. "It doesn't matter what he would want because he isn't here anymore. He's dead! My baby brother is dead! He is never going to come back and you know whose fault it is? It's your fault Jake, all your fault, you're the reason my brother is dead and I hate you for it! If you hadn't been so obsessed with Bella than Seth and all of the other shifters wouldn't have been recruited to fight for her. She has her own family and made her choice you and the mind rapist pretty freaking obvious since she not only married him and had a child, if you can call that thing a child, but she also gave up her human life for him and you just don't seem able to comprehend that she's just not that in to you."

"This has nothing to do with her and you know it." He told her before taking a step closer to her. "You're not really angry at me and even if you are it wouldn't compare to how much I hate myself for what happened to him. You're angry with yourself and instead of dealing with that pain you push everyone who loves you away, but I am not going to allow you to do the same thing with me."

Leah could feel her hands starting to shake. "How can I push away those who care about me when everyone I love is now dead? You really don't get it do you Jake? I have nothing left in my life to live for. The only reason I was trying to better my life was because I knew it's what Seth wanted, but now I no longer have that. I no longer have anyone to fight for. I'm without a purpose without Seth around."

The tanned male frown before suddenly wrapping her up in his arms. "You're not alone Leah; I am here and I'll always be here no matter what. I won't lose you the same way I lost Seth, I don't think I could handle it and that's why I am here, why I will always be here."

AN: This is just a drabble and I may continue it if people are interested, but if not it is a short one shot.

Please R&R like always!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own anyone or anything from Twilight!

Ever since the death of her younger brother Seth, Leah felt as if she had become some sort of drone. All she did was go through the motions each day and even when she did those, she felt nothing. Emotionally she was as dead as her brother and the she-wolf could care less because she felt she no longer had anything or anyone to live for. Her mother hated her and blamed her for Seth dying, she had pushed all her friends away after Sam broke her heart, Emily had betrayed her with Sam so in Leah's book she ceased to exist, her pack brothers had made it clear plenty of times they felt as if they would be better off without her, and the Cullen family were not people, well monsters, she would want to spend her time with and with all those names crossed off the list, she truly had nobody left in her life who needed or wanted her around.

Then Jacob started acting odd by following her around, checking in on her every single day, calling her in the middle of the night after she would wake up from another nightmare screaming because she had failed her brother again, and her alpha had started taking her on random errands; well she had thought they were random errands at first, but quickly realized it was his way of getting her out and back in to the world of the living. Jake hoped that by getting her out and about, it may help her find a reason to keep on living.

At first Leah wasn't bothered by his actions because she was numb emotionally and so she could tolerate his presence since she honestly did not feel anything, but as time wore on, the more Jacob kept up his mission to bring her back to reality, the more the female shape shifter started to feel again and she hated. The reason she had went catatonic with her emotions in the first place was so she wouldn't have to deal with her pain and the loss of her brother. Of course closing off her emotions meant losing the good ones as well, but in her opinion it had been worth it. Now with Jake bringing emotions back in to play, the pain was coming back twice as much as it had been before and the Quilette female knew she couldn't take it; she didn't want to deal with it and had even said as much to Jacob.

"Leah, please don't take this the wrong way, but right now I could give a rats ass about what you want or don't want because you are grieving and so you are unable to make rational choices, well that's what my dad says anyways and I have to agree with him; you are in no frame of mind to be deciding on anything." That had been his reply to her and if she hadn't been so angry then maybe she would have been understanding, yet she was angry and considering it had been Jake who wanted her to feel again, he would be her shape shifter verbal punching bag.

"It should have been you!" She screamed as her hands balled in to fists at her side. "It was supposed to be you! My brother was just a kid and because of you he is dead and nothing you or anyone else does will bring him back. You stand there and you tell me that you are here for me, but what you fail to realize is the fact I don't want your help! There is nothing you can do to make this better! At first I wanted you to die, but that would do no good; Seth would still be gone and you'd be off the hook. It's better this way, better you suffer and live with knowing my brother is dead and it is on you. If you think that by 'saving me' or whatever it is you're trying to do, will give you redemption then you are dead wrong. I hope the death of my brother haunts you for years to come and the guilt slowly eats away at your heart. I hope you feel the pain I do, the pain you and the Cullen clan created. I hope you suffer forever Jacob Black!"

After she had finished her rant, the alpha male crossed his arms over his chest as he gazed at her with his dark eyes. "Did that help? Do you feel better having taken some of your anger out on me? Do you want to scream at me some more or will you advance to punching? If it makes you feel better Leah then I say go for it. Do whatever you must in order to let out some of your emotions. It's not healthy for you to keep them bottled up so if beating on me verbally and physically helps you just do it. I told you before and I will say it again; I am here for you Leah whether you want me to be or not and I am not going anywhere so take your best shot."

For a moment he wondered if she would hit him because her fist was raised, but she let it drop back to her side as her eyes filled with tears and her bottom lip started trembling. when she spoke her words were so soft he barely heard them even with his super hearing due to being a shifter. "I want my brother back Jake. All I want is to close my eyes and then when I open them again Seth will be there standing in front of me with that smile he always wore and laughter in his eyes. What I want is to know my brother is sleeping in the next room when I get home from patrol, or waiting for me at the breakfast table so we can eat together, I want to watch him graduate high school then college, and I want to be at his wedding, but none of that is possible and it's not your fault Jake, it's mine. It should have been me, I wish it had been me, not Seth, it never should've been Seth."

TBC...

AN: So a few of you wanted to see this continued and I figured why not. I am not sure what the plot will be, but I'll come up with something I always do. Thanks to everyone who kept my stepfather in their thoughts and prayers, he is doing much better and is home now.

Please R&R like always!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own anyone or anything from Twilight!

_Don't ever say goodbye_

_See my head aches from all this thinkin'_

_Feels like a ship God, God knows I'm sinkin'_

_Wonder what you do and where it is you stay_

_These questions like a whirlwind, they carry me away_

_Who will bring me flowers when it's over_

_And who will give me comfort when it's cold_

_Who will I belong to when the day just won't give in_

_And who will tell me how it ends and how it all begins_

_Oh, no_

_Oh no_

_Don't ever say goodbye_

_I'm only human_

_I said I'm only human_

_I'm only human_

_I said I'm only human_

_I'm only human_

_I said I'm only human_

_I'm human I'm human I'm human_

_Yeah Oh,_

_Yeah, Oh- Flowers Of A Ghost by Thriving Ivory_

Leah stood high above the roaring waters of First beach on the highest part of the bluffs where local kids liked to cliff dive, but today only the female shifter stood on the bluffs as her hair whipped around her face from the harsh winds and stinging rain. Nobody else would risk catching a cold, but that wasn't something Leah had to worry about even though she could care less if she got sick or not. A part of her wished she could catch a cold and let it turn in to something more life threatening. She craved the taste of death since it was the only hope she had of ever seeing her little brother again, but fate wouldn't let her die yet, no she had to suffer a fate worth than death; Leah had to live without Seth.

The only she-wolf ever to exist wondered if the death of her brother was punishment for some sin she had committed in another life. Wouldn't it have made for sense for her to die instead of him? Seth had never done anything wrong his entire life. Leah used to tease him all the time about being a goody goody and now she wished for those days back. She would do anything to have him back, even make up with Emily and forgive Sam. Nothing was as important to her as her brother, he was her whole world and she had taken it upon herself to look after him when their father passed on. What would Harry think of his daughter now? Would he, like Sue, hate her for not protecting the younger Clearwater male? it didn't really matter since nobody could hate her more than she hated herself, not even her mother.

The sound of heavy steps came from behind her over the sound of the rain and crashing waves below. Leah did not need to turn around to know who was standing there; it was the same person each time lately. "Seth used to love it up here you know. When we were kids and I brought him here for the first time he was scared beyond belief. I had dared him to jump from the highest bluff and he was all set to do it until he saw how high it actually happened to be. Being the kind of sister I am, pushed him over the edge in order to make him face his fear and then I dove in after him. By the time we pulled ourselves out the freezing water he was laughing. He wasn't even angry with me and the little nerd even asked if I would push him off again. We had some great times up here, but all that is over with now. If I were to jump in to the water now Seth wouldn't be waiting for me at the bottom."

Jake frowned before taking a few steps towards her. "You still have those memories Leah. Seth will always be with you one way or another. You have him in your memories and your heart and that is better than not having anything of him at all."

Leah spun around as she shot a glare at her alpha. "How about you try it and then we can compare if it's better because in my mind having these memories, seeing his pictures all over the house, his room exactly the way he left it, it doesn't make his loss better, it makes it worse in my opinion. Everywhere I look I see reminders of him. Do you have any idea what that is like Jacob? I know you lost your mother when you were born, but she had a pretty long life, can you say the same for Seth? He barely had a life Jacob and it was snuffed out before he could even live. You don't remember your mother and I used to think it better that way, but now I envy you. I wish I could wipe every memory of Seth from my mind and heart because maybe then it wouldn't hurt as much. I understand you want to help me Jake, but the only way you can do that is by giving me a lobotomy and I doubt you would do that for me am I right?"

The alpha male shrugged his big shoulders as he came to stand directly in front of her and taking her smaller hands in his larger ones. "I could attempt it, but I would rather not because in forgetting Seth, you would forget everyone else as well and it took us years to become friends so I would rather not go through all of that for a second time. You know I would take away your pain if I could, but I can't. What I can do Leah is try to share your pain. You don't have to go through all of this alone to prove you're strong. From now on it's going to be you and me alright? If you jump then I jump as well got it?"

For a moment Leah was quiet as she thought about what he said. After a mental debate with herself, she grabbed his hand and and squeezed before turning back towards the cliffs and dragging him behind her as they flew off the edge and in to the freezing water below. Perhaps he could be exactly what she needed and besides that, it was nice to have someone to lean on and she trusted Jake more than anybody else.

As soon as they broke the surface of the water and gulped up some much needed air, Leah nodded once. "If you jump then I'll jump too."

TBC...

AN: Hey guys, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I have an idea where I want to take this story now which is good. Oh, someone nominated my older story 'Eye Of The Vampire' at the Twisted Pretzel awards and I want to thank whoever it was and if you wanna vote for me then go here: . and its in the wolf section under odd couple. If you vote then thank you, I am honored at having been nominated at all it just makes writing for you guys all the more worth it when I realize how much you like my stories, you guys are the best!

Please R&R like always!


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own anyone or anything from Twilight!

Jacob had been sleeping when all of a sudden his father came rolling in to his room yelling for him to wake up and get dressed because Leah was missing. From what Jake could gather after the fog in his brain started to dissipate, the she-wolf had never come home after Jake dropped her off in her driveway and she wasn't answering her phone. Sue, despite how she treated Leah, was actually quite concerned about her only daughter and so she had called Billy and Billy knew if anyone knew where Leah was or could find her, it would be Jake considering these days he was the only person she spent any real time with unless forced by the pack to join a meeting.

"What do you mean she didn't come home? I dropped her off in the driveway and she told me she was going to go to bed." Now the alpha male was growing concerned. "Is Sue sure she didn't come in? I mean she could've went in and gone straight to bed then left early this morning."

Billy shook his head. "Sue thought that as well, but Leah's bed has not been slept in, her shoes and jacket are not by the door as they should be, and her phone isn't anywhere in the house. Jake, was she acting funny last night? Did she do or say anything that leads you to believe she may have run away? Do you have any idea where she could've gone?"

Jacob sighed as he rubbed his temples trying to think of where sLeah could possibly be. "She was fine when I dropped her. We even made plans to go and see a movie because it was a tradition she and Seth had every year on his-I know where she is dad. Call Sue and tell her I know where Leah is and I am on my way to get her now."

"I can do that for you son." He stated before wheeling out of the room to call Leah's mother.

Jake phased the instant he got outside so that he would be able to get to the graveyard quicker than if he were in human form. He couldn't believe he had forgotten it was Seth's birthday today. He should have remember, he should've been there for Leah, there were so many things the male shifter wished he could have done and now all he could do was hope the female shapeshifter was at the cemetery like he suspected. If she wasn't there then he would gather both packs and start a massive search until she was found.

As luck would have it he found her at the graveyard fast asleep on her brothers grave. She had a wrapped present in her arms and he suspected it was a gift she had gotten Seth before he died that she never had the chance to give to him. Jake phased back in to human form and and pulled on some shorts he had tied to a pouch on his left hind leg. After getting covered, he went over to Leah and picked up her sleeping form cradling her to his chest while at the same time trying not to wake her. She needed all the sleep she could get; especially today since it was going to be stressful enough for her and exhaustion would not make it any better or easier for her.

Once he had her securely in his arms, Jake started walking towards her house. He would take him a while to get there since he was in human form instead of wolf. He could tell she must had been crying when she fell asleep because there were dried tears on her face caked in streaks of dirt. She must have been crying for hours. More than anything Jacob wished he could've been there for her. Leah should have come to him if she was upset. Jake had told her he would be there for her no matter the time or the place, all she had to do was come to him. When would the stubborn female shifter realize she could trust him?

With a sigh Jacob suddenly changed directions and headed for his house. When Leah woke up the last thing she would need was for her mother to bombard her with a million questions. No, it would be better if he brought her to his place just to make sure she had time to put herself back together before she faced the wrath that was Sue Clearwater. Besides, maybe if Jake were lucky Leah would be willing to open up to him some more. It would not only do her a world of good, but it would be good for Jacob as well. In times of tragedy and recover it was best to be surrounded by those who cared about you and who you care for and even though Leah would never believe it, Jake really did care about her and deep down she cared about him as well.

Plus, if he was going to be completely honest with himself, Jake feared what she may do today. While she had been doing better, a big event like Seth's birthday could set her back. She needed someone to be there so they could watch her and be her life jacket if she felt like she was drowning under all of the emotional stress this day would no doubt bring. Even his father still fell apart whenever it was Sarah's birthday and it had been years. This was the first year Seth would not be around for his birthday and probably one of the hardest for his sister to cope with even though it was understandable. So yes, today the alpha wolf was going to be there for his beta like he had been since her younger brother passed, he would be there for her today and every day forward.

TBC...

Please R&R like always!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own anyone or anything from Twilight!

Leah was disoriented when she woke up to find herself not in the dirt which covered her brothers grave, but rather a slightly lumpy and unmade bed that was obviously not her own. To be honest, she had no idea where she could be for a few minutes and actually started to wonder if she had dreamed visiting her brothers grave, until Jacob Black walked in to the room with a cup of black coffee meant for her since he did not touch the stuff.

"How did I end up here?" She asked after taking a long sip of the steaming liquid.

"I carried you." Jake replied with a shrug of his shoulders. "You had a lot of people worried when you vanished like that. Why didn't you tell anyone where you were going?"

The Quilette woman rolled her eyes. "Why do I have to report my every move? It's not like I ask where you are going to be every second of the day. Plus, it is not as if I intended to wander off and stay out all night long. I was actually getting read for bed when I found the present I had gotten Seth months ago in my bottom drawer. I just, I needed to give it to him even if he isn't here to get it. I was going to drop it off and then go home, but when I got there I realized if I left Seth would be alone on his birthday and I didn't want him to be alone."

Her alpha sighed before sitting down next to her. "Well next time you need to tell someone alright? I was worried about you Leah; I thought you may have done something stupid and you really can't blame me for thinking that way with everything that has happened lately. If it had been me in your shoes I am not sure I could hold it together like you have recently. You really are strong Leah, Seth and your father would be proud."

"Uhh thanks." She did her best to hide how much his comment had affected her. "I take it mom is flipping out so if you don't mind I think I am going to hide out here for a while and if you do mind, well you are just going to have to deal with it."

"Yes Mam!" He replied with a mock solute before turning serious. "What would you say if I asked you to leave for a while with me?"

Leah twisted her head around in order to get a better look at the alpha wolf. "First I think I would ask where the real Jake is and then I would ask where you want to run to?"

"Does it matter where we are running to?" He countered with a raised eyebrow. "You are always saying how you want to get out of this place for a while and now you don't really have to worry about- well it seems a good a time as any and as it turns out, I have some free time and no definite plans. what you say? We could just leave for a while not worrying about anything. We can leave tomorrow or even today if you want. We can go in to wolf form and just run wherever the wind takes us."

Leah couldn't deny she was tempted. "What about your father Jake?"

"Bekah is coming home for a while and I already cleared it with dad." Jacob told her as he actually started to get excited by the idea. "He thinks it would be good for both of us to get away for a while and I agree with him. If you are worried about money then don't be because I have some put away from odd jobs I do whenever we need the extra cash. I never told anyone this, but the truth is I have been planning to leave for a while now, but I kept stalling because I didn't want to go alone and now I won't have to if you say yes."

The only female shape shifter to ever exist thought things over for a few minutes. On one hand she really wanted to get away, but then she thought about her mother and who would watch out for her until she remembered her mother was dating Charlie Swan so she no longer needed Leah watching out for her. Perhaps getting away would be good for her. Maybe it would help her deal with everything and help her decide what she wanted to do with her future.

"It appears as if we are going to be road trip buddies." She said with a slight smile.

Jacob jumped up once he heard her words. "Really? Oh Leah this is great! I swear it is going to be good for the both of us. You won't regret this I promise."

This time it was Leah who laughed and smile brightly. 'Well you just might."

TBC...

Please R&R like always!


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